Friday 2 June 2017

A Guilt Trip by Gaslight

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.

A guilt trip is a feeling of guilt or responsibility, especially an unjustified one induced by someone else. Creating a guilt trip in another person may be considered to be psychological manipulation in the form of punishment for a perceived transgression. Guilt trips are also considered to be a form of passive aggression.


I know my son has a disability, a professional, fully qualified, employed by the NHS, Clinical Psychologist first broke the news to me when he was 6yrs old. Then a professional, fully qualified, employed by the LA Educational Psychologist said he had SEN that needed supporting via a statement.  Then all of a sudden civil servants employed in an education department in a local authority started telling me that wasn't the case. What eh? But........

"Oh no" they said "You see that type of disability is being over diagnosed..........you're a single Mum hmmmmm no father around hmmm.........it must be a struggle for you to discipline him"

"And the seizures?" I say "Did I cause those as well?"

"what those febrile convulsions" they reply "try not to overheat him, make sure he gets some sunshine......."

No, no I shake it off re read the lengthy reports all the Ed Psych's and Clinical Psychologist have written and go back and tell the civil servants that I want to take the advise of the Psychologists and find a specialist placement for him.
 
"What's that?  I ask  "No places? All full? So what now? His head teacher said they were damaging him in his current school and that he needs a specialist placement" 

"Well all the special schools are already full of children that really need them." reply the civil servants.

No, no I shake it off and I go and find a specialist independent school and take the civil servants to tribunal. Tribunal - that place where all the very qualified legal people make decisions based on the law, and they said I was right and that he must go to the independent special school.

A few years later and I'm at a parents group meeting other parents who have had a diagnosis of a disability for their child and for some reason one of the civil servants has come to talk to us about how the SEN system works. The parents there tell her that the LA don't have enough special schools and explain how they've had to go the independent schools. She says;

"Do you realize how much independent schools cost?" "This is taxpayers money that you are taking away from other children with disabilities that need services. The trouble with parents like you is that you demand a Rolls Royce service"

The parents hang their heads in shame, except me I know what she's up to. So I raise my head and I say;

"We are tax payers too, I wanted my son to go to a cheaper maintained special school but they were all full. I'm not banging on your door demanding money I just want and education for my son that meets his needs"

The other parents raise their heads.


But no wonder we are all loosing our marbles. This really is an abusive and toxic system. Stories of civil servants telling parents that if they haven't got the evidence then they won't be believed and when they do get the evidence it's an exaggeration in order to appease the parents need for diagnosis for their child rather than face their own failings in parenting..........Terms like psycho social are used as reasons for parents believing their child has difficulties. Labels like Munchhausen by proxy all add to the gaslight.

I got through it..... just. Now I'm facing it all over again with the DWP. Tribunal bundles have arrived and we are just waiting for an appeal date, once again I have to prove  that my son has a disability and needs the support of ESA whilst he is a disabled student not able to claim universal credit or work without support.





We are taken on these trips all for the sake of saving money, cuts and lack of funding. My role and the role of experienced SEN parents is to pull other parents away from the gaslight and off of the guilt trips and show them the truth and how to get justice.

Whoever wins this election needs to understand that this is abusive, this is toxic and this HAS to stop.