Monday 31 July 2017

The Dark Side

I went to a festival recently, yes I managed to have 3 whole days away from my caring role whoop, whoop!  Jodrell Bank is an observatory in the amazingly beautiful Cheshire countryside.  I used to pass by it often as a kid when we went to visit cousins up north. I was told that it's radio telescopes sent signals into space and it listened for a response.  So eary, so otherworldly and so mysterious.  So when the chance to camp right under them, dance all weekend to music and learn about space came up, well it couldn't be denied.

Walking back to the tent one evening a friendly fellow struck up conversation with us and said his band was playing before Darth Vaders talk the next day. I mentioned that I went to school with his daughter, for a moment he imagined I had somehow been schooled alongside princess Leia and he got very excited until I mentioned that her name was Rachel and she was very normal and nice. We went to see Darth Vader's talk, he was very sweet, if a little forgetful these days and responded to one little girls question with "Yes Darth Vader does like my little pony" to a huge round of applause.

So we wondered around the observatory and all the stalls and it was full of children and then there it was, a pang I hadn't felt in a very long time.  All these children so fully engaged, making things, carrying out experiments, playing, asking questions and I said to my partner "The boys would have loved this when they were younger" and then I thought and did a reality check and remembered all the trips to science museums, observatories, exhibitions and play activities that we'd just about scrapped through with our nerves in tact. How we'd weathered the looks of disgust from other parents, looks of confusion from other children, broken up fights, made apologies and eventually given up and gone home.  And there it was; the sense of loss and I felt the grief of it all over again.


I meet parents with young children who are going through it and experience it everyday. I once had a bit of an argument at a talk I was giving about the process of acceptance where a parent said that grieving for the child you didn't have was not good for the child so therefore the parent had better suck it up and get on with it.  I disagreed and said I would never deny a parent the validation of their loss and not sit with them in it until they were able to move on. Feeling guilty of greiving well that just adds to the raft of emotions that a parent has to bear.

Back at the festival we headed for the bar to numb it all for a bit and enjoy the rest of the weekend. And we did, Hawkwind were pretty awesome and so was the weather.

Today I read a post about grief and it took me back to that feeling again.  Then I got a message from my son to say he'd failed his grade 8 bass exam and all was dark and gloomy for a while until he came bounding in saying he'd got it wrong and he'd passed. Phew! afternoon of tears and tantrums averted and all was sunshine again.  The he appeared at the patio doors paying his guitar, he was looking at himself in the reflection and admiring his mohawk. I laughed at him and told him he was looking good.  He came in and gleefully told me he had learnt bar chords on the guitar and started to explain to me all about them. I asked a few questions about notes on the fret board and his knowledge just blew me away (and went straight over my head) My son truly is Rainman sometimes, his ability to learn the patterns of notes and scales so quickly is amazing.  He's taught himself guitar in a matter of months, transferring his knowledge from the bass.  He still can't take 10 from 100 though or work out how much things cost.

We may not have had a "normal" life, it may not have been the easiest but I know all there is to know about Battersea Powerstation, all the names of the engines in Thomas the Tank Engine, I can build extrodinary lego models, make a sonic the hedgehog outfit in a matter of hours, complete Luigi's mansion with my eyes closed and give you a tour of the Bluebell Railway. I can also tell you what's its like to be in a minority, battle an unfair system, what should be in each section of an EHC plan (and what should not) and what the inside of number 11 Downing Street and the Houses of Parliament look like. But most crucially I can also tell you to stick with it, to go with it, to sit with it and to never give up because one day, like my day today, it will be absolutely worth it.