The Quest

Where was I hmmmm, where am I?  When I started this blog that's what I was asking. For the last 15 years the constant focus in my life has been my son, it's had to be and it always will be but that has meant a great deal of personal loss.  Maybe it's the mid life crisis creeping in, the loss of the identity that we formed in our youth.

A couple of years before I had my son I was roaring over the Dartford bridge on my 1971 Triumph Bonneville surrounded by friends after a weekend of partying.  I remember that weekend well.  Riding off towards the beer tent with my best mate on the back of my bike to load up her rucksack with alcoholic supplies for the weekend. I remember trying to convince one of the Hells Angels running the event that I really should be allowed to ride down the fire lane back to my tent rather than weave through the crowds as it was a hot day and the bike was running hot because of the slash cut exhausts but he was having none of it.  We stalled in the heat right in front of one of my best friends ex boyfriends and his mates. Embarrassing! I pushed gently on the kick starter to try and make sure the piston was at top dead centre and then gave it my hardest kick.  A triumph. Off we went again, best friend waving her arms in the air riding pillion.  We celebrated with the beer and danced all night through until dawn.

That kind of feels like where I left myself.  I haven't really ridden a bike since then.  I've lost touch with some of my old biker friends but not my best friend and strangely she's been on the same journey, she has a daughter with ASD.  Both of us know that to ride a bike risks the loss of a parent to our children that are so dependant on us and partying well if we are lucky enough to get someone to step into our parental shoes for a night we then have to try and summon the energy, of which there is definitely less. Possibly a little less inclination too and that's the tricky bit.  I don't really long to be that person so much, maybe now and again.  So where is my self? What do I long for?  One thing I do know is that if we spend too much time worrying about it and trying too hard to look for it we can get ourselves into a real mess.  I've seen a bit of that, mostly in men.

A few weeks ago, at a family birthday celebration, my step sister stood next to me looked at my son and said "He's gorgeous, he's grown up to be such a beautiful young man"  She's right, I no longer have to worry so much, I can let go a little bit.

When my son was first diagnosed there were only a very few on line support forums, one helped me immensely but we seemed to be alone and few.  Now there is a huge autism community all linking up world wide and forming an identity, one of great pride and strength.  I like to think I helped start it by helping to build our own local autism community which is gradually growing.  I want to make it bigger and now that there are more of us I think it can happen.  I want to hold out my hand to new parents, to throw out the life belts and haul them in to a supportive and empowering environment. 

I don't doubt myself these days or measure myself by the behaviour of others around me as maybe I used to do.  I wouldn't argue with a Hells Angel now but I've stood up to much more in the last few years, the system, the attitudes of others and to personal loss.  I have the love of my son, my family, my friends and my partner around me.  I'm an autism Mum that's quite enough.