Don't go saving dinosaurs.

I’ve had hard weeks before but his week I’ve found myself sitting on benches in the woods mumbling to myself and trying to stop the tears.

I hate it when that happens, it’s worrying because I know I’ve got to the point of not coping.

A fractured ankle doesn’t sound too bad does it?  When I drove him away from Youth Club he screamed at me every time we went over the smallest of bumps, he has a high tolerance for pain.  It took a while to get pain relief. We sat in A&E for a while, he was very vocal about the pain, the air was blue in a volatile place.  It’s hard to scold someone that looks like a man who should know better.  Doctors and nurses don’t ask me questions anymore they’re directed to the adult sitting next to me.  Puzzled looks follow.  I explain and everyone feels awkward.  

It’s been three weeks now, leg in plaster, not allowed to put weight on it so he’s hopping around on crutches.  I can’t sweep him up and plonk him on my hip when he gets tired anymore.  When he loses his balance I’m there beside him, behind him and in front of him ready for him to grab on to. So far I’ve not gone over with him.  Co-ordination, concentration and patience were never things that came easily to him.

His classroom is on the 5^th floor and the schools lift has broken, we’re managing two mornings  a week in a downstairs classroom.  I’m home schooling which I’m actually enjoying, that’s a turn up!  I got a new job but I can’t start it just yet, it pays this time too.  It takes us until 11am to get ready, the whole showering, dressing and getting ready routine takes so much longer, it’s usually long but this is quite epic. Then I go off into the woods with the dog leaving him settled for a while.  

I think maybe its exhaustion; physical and mental and frustration that hardly an inch of the day is mine alone.  Time with dog is ok but he’s not great with conversation.  I’m trying to sort out the EHC plan, ha, well actually I’m starring in the mirror saying “I told you so” You need time to chase people and space to talk to them on the phone, that just isn’t happening.  My current role is still pulling at my sleeves and I’m trying to grab a few moments to catch up.  It’s the dates, the meetings, the things that I should be doing and my head just isn’t able to focus because of constant demands.

I’ve been ill too, a cold that I cannot shift and a permanent headache, I wish I could take the day off, drink lemsip and sleep.  Then there are the things I cannot say here that are deep and dark and personal, they don’t step aside to help me cope they are my constant companions.  

It’s world autism awareness week very soon and I should be organising things and sending positive messages, you know -having fun with it. 

Sorry folks it’s on hold.  

But…..there are hundreds of children who have autism that are not in school, who parents are barely coping and get no respite.  This period will end for me, I can see the light.  So if you want to do something for world autism awareness week write to your locally elected representative and tell them that there is not enough provision for children, young people and adults with autism and that you think it’s unacceptable.  Just one little letter with us in mind.  It’s better than signing a petition regarding a dinosaur who presents a program about cars isn’t it? I mean honestly it is.